if you have followed me at all over the last few years, you have probably noticed a focus on the problematic ways that Christians often speak to people in pain. whether our need to pass judgement or our propensity to give easy answers– we can do better. our hearts are often in the right place, but we haven’t developed the proper skills to be useful. this week i spent an entire day, 12 hours worth .. visiting 3 people, born in different decades, all with big time challenges.
these are some of things i have learned about moments like that …
3 Small Tools To Better Help People in Pain
1. Ask Questions, Avoid Conclusions, Silence isn’t Failure.
when you know someone is going through a hard time, ask questions. they are usually waiting for test results or another letter from the IRS or some further adjudication of their problem in the future. so to pronounce a verdict with clarity is quite unhelpful.
instead, inquire as to their state of mind or their sense about what’s happening. do so very gently,
‘do you mind if i ask you a question about that?’ or ‘would it be ok with you if i shared an observation?’ or ‘how are you feeling about things right now?'
and just wait. silence can feel like a failure, but it isn’t. often with many criss-crossing thoughts, it can take a while for a persons words to form. see your value in interacting with them as presence, not insight.
2. Keep a Pocket Scripture to Share
i heard this advice at a pastors event 10 years ago and it has stuck with me ever since. pick a Bible verse that broadly communicates comfort and memorize it. if you do, you will never be caught flat footed or unable to think of something to say. when faced with someone in a tragic situation, we are not at our most brilliantly creative. pre-planning a few words helps us love well.
i often use Psalm 46.1-3,
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in time of trouble.
the promise of increased presence during difficulty usually seems to land well on the folks i’m ministering to. i usually say something about how people shrink away when others are down, but God pulls close. no matter how confusing the situation, having something prepared to share helps communicate God’s heart to the person.
3. Plan a Simple Follow-Up
i have a drawer that keeps notecards, envelopes, and starbucks gift cards. after i talk to someone going through something challenging, i email myself a day on the calendar i want to send a follow-up. often it’s a handwritten card with a prayer and a free drink. the purpose is to communicate that you haven’t forgotten.
we move forward quickly and often when someone’s terrible news is off the radar, we no longer think of it and a few weeks or months later, the person we care about is VERY alone. by picking a time in the future to follow-up, we are loving well.
a cynical view of having a ‘plan’ to care might be that i’m trying to make something inherently personal more efficient, thereby ruining it. a more charitable view is that all these ideas completely scale to the situation, but that thinking how to care beforehand, allows me to care better in the moment.
Wednesday Night Service is coming.
looking for a way to get connected to a circle of people trying to figure this crazy world out?
join kristen or i digitally in the am ora bunch of good folks on Wednesday evenings in person.
come on…we need you. and you need this.
KG Korner
What are you preaching to yourself daily?
A video came up on my phone the other day of Felicity giving herself this little speech a few years back when she was feeling nervous about being dropped off at church. The speech was simple but clear, ‘no cryin!’ You see, the first two weeks at this particular church she shed all the tears but the dear people in the nursery decided they wanted her to make it through the whole service. And so I would tell her before we got there, you don’t need to cry and I may have bribed her with a donut. At the ripe old age of two, even though she had gotten to the point that she could make it through church class without crying whenever church was brought up she said ‘no cryin!’
At first I thought it was cute. Then it came to me: she is preaching to herself! And it reminded me of what I’ve heard many times before: we are the most powerful preacher to ourselves.
So I come to the question again, what are you preaching to yourself daily? I was listening to a podcast that has been ruminating in my mind on this very topic. Often the lies in our mind circulate until they are replaced with truth; the truth is even more powerful when we say it out loud to ourselves. Undoubtedly, there will be hard things that you walk through this week. But, we have a choice to fixate on that or direct our hearts toward what is true regardless of our circumstance. As I read God’s Word this morning I was reminded of this real good three word sermon… ‘Hope in God.’ If you want to add a few more words that are helpful to this particular psalm it says, “for I shall again praise him, my salvation (and my God.)” psalm 42:5 & 11. If nothing else, you can stand confidently in the fact that no one can take your salvation away today!
But you see, this psalm doesn’t shy away from the difficulty in life, but it does come back to the hope the writer finds in God. The world is screaming at us to hope in our kids, in our bank account, in our marriage, in our friendships, in our zipcode, in our occupation and yet time and time again those disappoint us and somehow we are surprised when they do. Then the psalmist instructs us to praise Him because of who He is. We don’t have to wait til things are good again or life looks as we thought it should. We can acknowledge the pain and the lies that we are believing and praise him as we direct our hearts toward truth. You can praise him before, during and after the thing you are walking through; but it’s a choice for you and I every single day.
Think for a minute with me about the fact that you have salvation in God and unlike every other relationship in your life, He WON’T disappoint you. God who sent his only Son to die a cruel death on a cross for our sin and then rose on the third day to conquer death, that’s reason enough to praise!!!! There is hope EVERY SINGLE DAY because of that. You don’t have to practice the sermon over and over or be nervous to proclaim it to hundreds of people, the most important person you preach to today is yourself : “Hope in God, for you shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.”
Cup of Leadership
don’t BE Controlling
control is often a mirage we chase that costs us influence.
control is total, influence is partial.
control is demanded, influence is granted.
but yes, control. just control the right things.
don’t try to control the holy spirit
don’t try to control information
don’t try to control your reputation
don’t try to control the remote control (do we still call it that?)
don’t try to control adolescent children
don’t try to control how people vote
control your attitude
control your priorities
control your time in the Bible
influence any/everyone who is curious to learn what you have learned
Super Christian Guy
Monday Morning Book Review
a burning in my bones : the authorized biography of Eugene Peterson — by: winn collier
for those trying to love well + live slow + avoid the foolish striving that marks so much of modern ministry, Eugene Peterson is often seen as something of a patron saint. so, i was quite excited to read this biography of his life. the portrait of a useful, but flawed man was beautifully told in a way that felt accessible, not diminishing.
a fair amount of this material was also in Peterson’s book ‘The Pastor.’ What made this book more accessible and candidly a little less condemning is that the author has layered journal articles from Peterson alongside his vision for pastoring folks.
stuff to click on
i have read many things over the last few years about policing / justice / race / our system ... this essay is perhaps the most comprehensively insightful ... i resonated with a lot of the ideas in it …
an amazing new live version of a top-5 2021 song for me ... Jesus I Have My Doubts
have a great weekend…
luke + kristen