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tell me the long version
i overhead this story yesterday.
a woman comes into our church in need of help. this happens several times each week. kristian our outreach directorcomes greets them and figures out what resources or services might be available.
‘how can i help you?’ kristian says.
‘do you want the short version or the long one?’ replies the woman.
‘tell me the long version,’ kristian said.
‘no one has offered said that to me before’ the woman says back through tears.
——
why do families retell the same old funny stories?
why do men love quoting the sametv scene over and over?
why do veterans have such a powerful connections decades after serving together?
there is immense power in being understood and listened to.
when we go slow and hear the long version, we love people well.
asking to hear the long version is a way of saying, i’m here with you and you are more important than whatever thing i was thinking about next.
i struggle with this. i love people, but i’m usually overbooked and in a hurry. i have had to learn the hard way how to make sure people experience my affection by being more attentive in conversation. when people have to get right to it in conversation, they aren’t their best and aren’t able to be fully understood.
when we allow people around us to ‘tell the long version,’ we are creating safety for them to be forthright and honest. we are communicating they are worthwhile enough to listen to. a simple thought that may aid you and your relationships this weekend.
What God’s Teaching Me
with austin deadman
Last Week’s Sermon
the process of progress
Last night we had our first premarital church class meeting and I can’t help but remember 17 years ago, this time of year going to Johnny + Jan’s house to do the same. We were two 21 year olds in love and excited to lean in and learn. Johnny + Jan had been married at that point 30+ years and had plenty of wisdom to impart on us. They were willing to share their mistakes so we didn’t have to walk blindly into the same ones. I look back so fondly on that time because it was an investment to make sure that our foundation was set toward what would last.
One of the things we spent a lot of time on was the idea of oneness. We see this in the context of scripture in Genesis 2, after God had created woman out of man. Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” The next verse makes it clear that this does include sexual intimacy but that it's not the only part to oneness. As we have journeyed with quite a few couples through premarital we have defined oneness as a healthy dependence on the other person for joy. We have all known the couples that struggle in codependency and how that is a runaway freight train of problems ahead.
One of the huge parts of oneness in a couple especially after marriage is making decisions together and making sure both people feel heard. Often opposites attract which can be beneficial but can really (and quickly) clash if you’re not willing to hear one another out. If you look closely at the verse it also talks about leaving and cleaving. We bring so many things into our relationship from our family of origin, but we can subtly think that it is the best way when really it’s just one way.
I bring this up because I think so much can break down oneness. From kids, to unexpected challenges, to busy work seasons, to grief - you can lose sight really quickly of your love/appreciation/common goals for and with your spouse. I think it has to start with looking in the mirror and deciding to find moments even amidst the chaos of life to get on the same page. It is also helpful to take note and openly talk about the points of conflict that continually come up especially when you are not in the heat of the moment.
Last night, we had each person share something that attracted them to the person that is completely opposite of themself. Funny enough, I was surprised by what my own husband said about me! But it never hurts for you to share the appreciation of something you see and admire about the person you love, especially for others to hear!
I think we would all agree that oneness takes intentionality. We all have valid excuses of what makes it difficult. Sometimes it has to start with a scheduled daily and weekly check-in to make sure that you are in step with one another. If some of that intentionality has fallen off the wagon, I want to encourage you to pursue that again. Maybe even start by telling your spouse the things you love about them. Be willing to put in the work in pursuing that person and making sure that they know that you are invested in that relationship faithfully and joyfully. Great marriages don’t just happen, but I truly believe it all flows out of this desire and pursuit of oneness.
Cup of Leadership
how we are. we want to commit to people, but most often, it’s actually seasons or situations or consumption patterns. don’t allow yourself to think you’ve built something more rigorous than jesus or paul or david. they found themselves alone at times of great need too. it’s part of the fall, adam was happy to sell eve down the river to cover his own behind (literally + metaphorically).
many a man proclaims his own steadfast love, but a faithful man who can find?
psalm 20.6
the point isn’t to become distrustful + cynical,
the goal is lower our anthropology, thereby more easily accepting our common lack of loyalty. when we believe our relationships to be more than they are, we can’t help but end up disappointed.
this is good news,
luke + kristen